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drlan
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Name: Lan
Country: United States
State: Georgia
Metro: Atlanta
Gender: Female
Interests: Arts & craftsTravel & adventuresEducation & knowledgeRelationships
Occupation: Medical school student
Industry: Health/Medicine
Message: message me
Member Since:
4/10/2006
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| My life is one test after another, literally and figuratively speaking. The COMP and STEP is doing a great job at keeping my sleep cycle down to barely 6 hrs a night. It's physically draining to wake up, study, eat, talk, or do anything else. I know I don't want to sit in this chair anymore, but I'm stuck. If I get up to use the restroom, I feel guilty. It's like an out- of-body experience, my brain is numb. It's like walking through a dark tunnel, and you don't know when you'll see the light. I feel like I've been walking aimlessly for days, hoping that the next step I take will be the right one. But EVERY DAY is a test. I'm not depressed, because people who are depressed takes it " one day at a time". Who would want to walk in my shoes right now? I feel like a total wreck, watching my every move, decision, action because I feel like I am destined to make awful mistakes. I'm waiting for the bigger plan, and patience have never been one of my virtue. I might never know what God has planned for me, and why He wants me here. But I trust with all my heart and soul. I just hope I pass the next test that comes my way.
I figured out several years ago that I need to slow down and enjoy life. Seriously...it's really hard!! To take everything in as it happens, to be part of it and just simply enjoy it. Time is our greatest enemy, and most people want to live in the moment. Why can't I? Why do I constantly want to speed up the clock, and then look back and say: "where did the time go?" Before I knew it, I looked up from my notes, books, laptop, and January, February, and March has passed. Pretty soon, Christmas will be here!
Last week, a professor lectured about the importance of having BALANCE in your life and I felt like he was speaking to me. Balance? What does that even mean? My life scale is actually tipped over towards the side of despair and frustration. I mean everyone wants balance, but there's only so much time in a day!
"Work hard, but play just as hard!"
Ok...If I could I would:
1. Travel to Japan, Africa, India, Australia.
2. Take a missions trip and provide free health care.
3. Drive from the East coast to the West coast.
4. Learn how to ballroom dance.
5. Paint until the sun goes down.
6. Write a book
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| "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I can't believe it's March, and this semester is half done. Midterm was last week, and now it's "crunch time".
Miami is nice, for many reasons. I love the warm weather, and being able to access anything I want. For example, I can go to Barnes and Nobles and buy any book that I need. However, Miami is not home. The people here are not the most hospitable, if you know what I mean. Everyone is so absorbed in their own world, to the point where they think the model of their car determines their identity.
I love the church I've been attending, it's called University Baptist Church. They are contemporary, and speaks the truth. I didn't grow up in a setting where the church is anything but superficial. UBC is very real, and I would love to eventually become a member of a church very much like this one.
 
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| Psalms 23:1-6 "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You annoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." I'm sure one day my doctor is going to tell that I have ADHD. I really can't sit still for longer than 45 minutes, and it sucks when I need to study for an exam that is coming up any day now. Anyways, the only thing that can calm my thoughts is the words of the Lord. I especially like this passage from the bible, because it really soothes me. My thoughts control my actions, and letting my mind wander to negative and ungodly things shows. Either I talk to someone about it, or turn to the words of God Usually when I talk it out, it doesn't come out the way I anticipated. The latter decision is better, since I don't really have to explain myself. God just knows my thoughts. He knows my heart, even when I don't know it. I try to be tough, and hide my fears. It gets hard, and sometimes my vulnerable side comes out. I just wish I could control what happens afterwards. I know that it's normal to let your guard down, and open oneself to new things. I also know that no matter how hard I push things away, if God wants it to happen, it will happen. No matter how much control I THINK I have, it's not really true. I just can't fanthom the idea that I am NOT in control of my life. If it is God's will, then it will be done. It took me a while, but I have come to learn that. And it's comforting to know that forever, not just for one day, the Lord is always with me. It doesn't matter if I can't think of the words to express myself, or that the words come out wrong. All it matters is this: God knows my heart. And at the end of the day: It will all be okay. Why? Because I will be in the house of the Lord forever! Time for bed. Tomorrow is another day.... | | |
| Four more exams to go, then I'll be finished with third semester. By the grace of God, I will make it through this semester with good grades. I am grateful for my grades so far, but I know that God had greater plans for me.
I've been having bible study every Tuesday with Bim, Rowan, and Ray for the past 5 weeks. It's so nice to have fellow Christians to challenge me, and grow with me. I've never met so many strong Christians, and it makes me want to be a better person for Christ. I truly believe that God answered my prayers, because He brought inspiring people into my life. I've prayed for great friends, and I've found that in all of them. It's hard to stay away from the sins here, but the Lord has kept me safely in His arms. I thank God everyday for saving me, and loving me as his daughter. So many things have happened that makes me know that He really wants me to do this. Some days I question my life as to whether I'm alone, and I wonder if God has abandoned me. But He never fails to bring me through all the hard times, and to continuously bring me back. I make so many mistakes during the day, but at the end I know that God is always here. It's no use beating myself up over things I said or did during the day that I wish I can take back, because the Lord knows my heart. His mercy is so powerful, and I know that He forgives me. It's so important that I learn my mistakes, and that's how I've grown as a Christian woman.
It's hard though, I have to admit. I follow such a routine here, and to find someone who fits my character so well really scares me. I'm just waiting for something to go wrong, to find out the "bad thing", or to mess up really bad myself. I always keep my morals and Christian values obvious, so as not to loose myself. The last thing I want is to mislead anyone into thinking that I am something that I am not. I am not a push-over, or someone who settles for less that what God has planned for me. I want others to look at me and know that I am a child of God. Hopefully this shines through me everyday. | | |
| I heard an inspiring and powerful testimony today at church from my great friend, Rowan. It was from Matthews 16:24-28.
Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up the cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father's glory with his angels, and he will reward each person according to what he has done. If tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom."
Sometimes especially being here at school and away from familiar things, I find that the only person I can turn to is the Lord. Being here makes me appreciate the intimate relationship that I have established with the heavenly Father, and even though the rewards seems so far away...I still feel blessed everyday. Some say that I want to be a doctor for the money, but no amount of money in this world can make me repeat this horrible ordeal. The only thing that is keeping me going is the belief that this is what God's purpose if for me. I feel like I've lost my "life", or what I thought was my life. I left the materialistic sins, gossip, and evil things that took my life for so long. When you're so comfortable in your life, something happens to wake you up and appreciate the deeper things in life.
The decisions I make today really reflects the changes I've made. I can truly say that I can give up everything and anything in life, to be with the Lord. I can't wait until He comes again! I thank the Lord every night for saving my soul and loving me despite my flaws. Believe me, I sin almost everyday. If it was not for His loving nature, and Mercy and Grace, where would I be? Thank you Lord. Amen.
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